Idiots Wear Pearls
My friend is an idiot.
No, I am not talking about her ability, or lack there of, to perform tasks, or even her general knowledge of the world. I am talking about the way that she handles herself in relationships. Let’s take her current situation for example. She is living with her boyfriend of almost two years. They seem to be happy, plan to get married, and spend every waking moment with each other.
Yay. Good for her.
However, because of the slight age difference between the two – only about 5 years or so, they are in very different points in their lives. She is ambitious, moving up in her company, studying for her first of many stock brokerage licenses, and he is content, stuck in a programming job. More importantly, she wants a family, he doesn’t. But, instead of taking the mature route of talking the situation out, she would rather “spontaneously” become pregnant.
Yes, she is one of those females who screams pregnancy every other week in order to keep the interest of her man. But, after it comes out that she is not—again—there are fights to be had and emotions to be hurt. It seems that she doesn’t understand the moral of the “cry wolf” story. And I, as one of her dear friends, get to hear about it – every time.
I personally think that her desire to become pregnant and have a family stems from her own failed family experience. She has, within the past three years, disowned her own family. She doesn’t even talk to any of her sisters, cousins, or aunts, and especially not to her parents. Because of her self inflicted isolation, she is still trying to cope with a shattered dream of not having a picture perfect family. She, I think, feels the only way to have what she wants is to start her own family, and she “knows” exactly how to do so. But she hasn’t thought about what will happen if her plan backfires, and that makes her an idiot.
But she’s not alone. I have other friends. And they are idiots too.
My childhood friend had a similar situation. No, she didn’t try to become pregnant to keep her man; instead she married him. They got married the same year that we all graduated high school, at age 18. Her excuse for her idiocy, her impulsive decision to marry, was that she didn’t want to be alone. While this made no sense to me, she justified her choice by telling me that since she is from a large family, she is used to always being around a lot of people. She was afraid that she would be alone in her future experiences, marrying her boyfriend would ensure that she wasn’t lonely.
Plus, and here’s the kicker, she didn’t want to lose her boyfriend, the only real boyfriend that she has ever had, to any other person. To me, it seemed that her desire to marry was purely a way to keep her man around, not a way to fulfill her needs or wants at all. That makes her an idiot.
But maybe I’m wrong.
From my perspective I think that these friends of mine are stuck in the myth of the American Dream. No, I am not talking about the “work hard and be prosperous” creed; I am referring to the Leave it to Beaver and Donna Reed mentalities. The part of the myth that implies that women should stay at home, raise the children, be wives and mothers, and more importantly, do these things to keep your husband happy. That mentality is as ridiculous as vacuuming in high heels and pearls.
Yes, I am an American, and I do want the American Dream, but not that part. I guess I am one of the rebels who always wants to turn things around; go against societal norms and obligations. Will I ever come home to a home cooked meal and my husband in high heels and pearls?
Wait. . .never mind. Maybe I should rethink that statement.
But I do often wonder: Why can’t I be the one who works hard to be prosperous – why can’t I, as a woman, be independent and think for myself? And why can’t my man work hard to keep me instead of me continuously trying to please him? Doesn’t my happiness matter?
The answer is yes, it does; at least to me it does.
The stereotypical answer from perpetuators of the American Dream is also yes, but the myth assumes that I would probably be happier if I, or other women, didn’t have to worry about that “type of stuff,” you know, like business and politics. NEWS FLASH: Dealing with politics and business is a lot easier for me, and a large number of other women, than cleaning house, cooking and dealing with screaming kids!!
But like I said, maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe my friends have the right idea. Maybe my family, who also buys into this ideology, has the right idea. Let’s see, if I followed this way of thinking I would probably be married with children, upset with my spouse and life situation, and unaware of how to deal with this problem or get out of the situation. I probably wouldn’t have a college degree, tons of great friends, or the freedom and opportunities to have the experiences that I have had.
Right. . .that sounds like a perfect way to live.
Best case scenario, I could be like my pregnant-happy friend – gainfully employed with the ability to move up in the company. Success could be had, which would fulfill one need. But, on the other hand, I would be more worried and focused on my relationship. Is he happy? What can I do to make his life better? Etc. Etc. Etc.
If I went the route of this friend, I would try to become pregnant to recreate a family life that I never had, all while passing on this same ideology of misery; creating a never-ending circle of perpetuating an antiquated myth. At the same time I would be helping set back the women’s movement and never reach my full potential.
Wow. Sounds like such a happy life.
Or, I could go the route of my friend who is afraid to be alone. Marry the first guy I meet and am “serious” about; never learning life’s lessons, never getting out on my own, never experiencing things that I want to do, and never growing up or gaining independence. Just staying at home, working hard to keep my man away from others.
Didn’t they outlaw slavery years ago?
But I have to concede that for some people this method of living works. Some people are happy, or at least claim to be, with the way that their life turned out. That’s were I would be wrong. However, neither of my two friends are happy.
One is re-evaluating her relationship; finally realizing that maybe her relationship is in trouble, but wondering how to fix it so that her guy won’t freak if she is pregnant. The other is a lonely military wife; unable to do anything on her own and wonders what the rest of the world is like beyond her living room doors. Their lives exemplify how trying to please a myth that has failed them once before is not going to make things better in their lives now. The system of wife (mother, inferior) and man (provider, superior) does not work anymore. Unfortunately, they had to learn this lesson the hard way.
When realization sets in, should I still call them idiots?
Even now, while they are unhappy and finally aware as to why, they still continue to try to live in this mythical world of “please the man to make things better.” They try to better their situations by doing the same things that have failed them before. They are still perpetuating a failed ideology.
And that makes them idiots.
© 2009 Caypay
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